Update 10/09/08

I'm sorry I don't write as much now, I'm going to start writing a bit more. It was nice to have a little break from blogging, but I miss the chance to have a conversation with myself about everything that's been happening. Someone asked me today if writing the blog during my treatment was cathartic for me. I would have to say in a way, it certainly was.

Blogging gave me an outlet to express many of my thoughts, concerns and emotions as much to myself as anyone who reads it. In a strange kind of way, it provides me the opportunity to step back and think about what's going on, and that provides me with the opportunity to decide how I'm going to react to it rather than just reacting to something. I think this is a major reason why I handled the stress and fear so well, only I didn't realize it until now. By being able to step back and look at what was going on, I also provided myself the opportunity to contemplate events and choose how I dealt with them. In exploring this more this afternoon, after my conversation, I realized that's why I am so upbeat all the time. I choose to be upbeat.

In the hospital, the nurses often commented how I always seemed happy or willing to tell a funny joke or story, pretty much no matter how much chemotherapy they gave me. They thought it was amazing how I was able to have such a positive outlook all the time. I just always attributed it to my emotional make-up or how I was raised, never realizing, until today, that maybe its because I found a way to take control of my emotions and choose my responses. I'm not saying I wasn't scared or nervous or terrified or some crazy non-emotional being. Rather, I was able to say to myself, I'm scared, but here's how I'm going to deal with it. I would share my fears with people, but there's no reason to let it overrun my thoughts and emotions, and what better way to lighten things up than with something funny.

Thank you to Chris Lapak for asking me that question. You really got me to thinking about it today, and inspired me to write more here. Thanks, that's a pretty terrific gift.

I saw Dr. Happy Pants again this week. This was for my three week follow up. My blood counts remained normal, which is great news as many patients experience ups and downs in their counts after leaving the hospital and apparantly I am not. He said I'm doing as well at 34 days as most patients do at 100 days. He said I can return to a normal routine, in so far as I'm physically able. I'm still very fatigued and sleep alot. I'm still on my antiviral and antibacterial medications, and will be for another 6 months. He said we don't want me getting sick if its at all avoidable, but not to worry if I do, my immune system is strong enough to handle it. My next appointment with him isn't until January, and I'm supposed to return to my oncologist to begin transitioning back to his care and monitoring for the rest of my life.

I have to run as I don't have alot of time to write tonight, but I'll write more tomorrow. However, there's one more thing I have to say, and that is a giant THANK YOU to everyone for their love and support, especially those who have brought dinner and/or helped take care of Hope. I am humbled by your generosity and support, and cannot thank you enough. I love each of you very much. Y'all have made my recovery much easier, and I will forever be in debted to each of you.

Goodnight,
T