I'm sorry I don't write as much now, I'm going to start writing a bit more. It was nice to have a little break from blogging, but I miss the chance to have a conversation with myself about everything that's been happening. Someone asked me today if writing the blog during my treatment was cathartic for me. I would have to say in a way, it certainly was.
Blogging gave me an outlet to express many of my thoughts, concerns and emotions as much to myself as anyone who reads it. In a strange kind of way, it provides me the opportunity to step back and think about what's going on, and that provides me with the opportunity to decide how I'm going to react to it rather than just reacting to something. I think this is a major reason why I handled the stress and fear so well, only I didn't realize it until now. By being able to step back and look at what was going on, I also provided myself the opportunity to contemplate events and choose how I dealt with them. In exploring this more this afternoon, after my conversation, I realized that's why I am so upbeat all the time. I choose to be upbeat.
In the hospital, the nurses often commented how I always seemed happy or willing to tell a funny joke or story, pretty much no matter how much chemotherapy they gave me. They thought it was amazing how I was able to have such a positive outlook all the time. I just always attributed it to my emotional make-up or how I was raised, never realizing, until today, that maybe its because I found a way to take control of my emotions and choose my responses. I'm not saying I wasn't scared or nervous or terrified or some crazy non-emotional being. Rather, I was able to say to myself, I'm scared, but here's how I'm going to deal with it. I would share my fears with people, but there's no reason to let it overrun my thoughts and emotions, and what better way to lighten things up than with something funny.
Thank you to Chris Lapak for asking me that question. You really got me to thinking about it today, and inspired me to write more here. Thanks, that's a pretty terrific gift.
I saw Dr. Happy Pants again this week. This was for my three week follow up. My blood counts remained normal, which is great news as many patients experience ups and downs in their counts after leaving the hospital and apparantly I am not. He said I'm doing as well at 34 days as most patients do at 100 days. He said I can return to a normal routine, in so far as I'm physically able. I'm still very fatigued and sleep alot. I'm still on my antiviral and antibacterial medications, and will be for another 6 months. He said we don't want me getting sick if its at all avoidable, but not to worry if I do, my immune system is strong enough to handle it. My next appointment with him isn't until January, and I'm supposed to return to my oncologist to begin transitioning back to his care and monitoring for the rest of my life.
I have to run as I don't have alot of time to write tonight, but I'll write more tomorrow. However, there's one more thing I have to say, and that is a giant THANK YOU to everyone for their love and support, especially those who have brought dinner and/or helped take care of Hope. I am humbled by your generosity and support, and cannot thank you enough. I love each of you very much. Y'all have made my recovery much easier, and I will forever be in debted to each of you.
Goodnight,
T
Thursday, October 9, 2008
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
Two weeks out
Man, I can hardly believe only two weeks ago I was just getting out of the hospital. It feels like a lifetime ago, and I think that's a good thing. I'm forgetting alot of what it was like to be in there already. I like that, because when I think about it, I realize just how much it sucked. Not only the treatment, which was brutal, but being confined to such a small area and feeling so poorly all the time.
Everyday now I feel a little stronger, and I do a little bit more. I saw my doctor last week and he said my blood counts were back to normal, so now my recovery is mostly focused on getting over the chemo and their side effects. I can go out in public, travel, and do pretty much whatever I want, although I still have to be cognizant of how tired I am and should avoid sick people as much as possible. Even though my counts are normal, my new immune system is still relatively immature, so testing by getting sick now is something I want to avoid.
I'm still exhausted and get tired out extremely easily. I also still have no hair, although it feels like my scalp has sprouted a little peach fuzz. My nausea has pretty much passed, although from time to time I get little bouts of it, but they usually go away with a dose of Zofran.
Food still doesn't taste very good. Everything tastes very little like is should, although I have found that spicier or stronger flavored foods, like Mexican food or zesty Italian dishes, do taste quite a bit better. Bland foods or basic foods don't taste like much of anything. They say this will last several months, but my tastes will get back to normal eventually.
Hope is a wonderful distraction for me. She goes on about her life as if nothing happened. She's more interested in crawling over to the couch or coffee table and pulling herself up to standing. Then she likes to laugh about it. And jump. She loves to jump. Once she's standing up, she like bouncing up and down. She's just about worn her bouncy seat out because she jumps so much. Needless to say, chasing my little darling around for much more than an hour exhausts me, although it is ALOT of fun.
Honore is doing very well. She's getting used to the idea of me being home again and starting to do more around the house to help out. Although the hairless thing still kinda creeps her out. Its nice to be home again and getting to spend time with Honore and Hope.
Mom and Dad returned to Tucson last weekend. They were wonderful to have here, but I know they were pretty damn excited to be home again. Being here for three months was difficult, although I know there's nowhere else they wanted to be. I'm glad I'm doing well enough for them to return home, it kinda signals life slowly getting back to normal. And I like that.
I see the doctor again next week, although I expect it will be much of the same. You're doing great, keep up the good work. I like those kind of doctor's appointments.
What a long, strange trip this has been. I've been watching the leaves begin to turn and can't get over that summer's over. I feel like I didn't even get a summer. However, I'm glad things went so well and that we are coming to the end of this road. I look forward to getting my life back.
TTFN, T
Everyday now I feel a little stronger, and I do a little bit more. I saw my doctor last week and he said my blood counts were back to normal, so now my recovery is mostly focused on getting over the chemo and their side effects. I can go out in public, travel, and do pretty much whatever I want, although I still have to be cognizant of how tired I am and should avoid sick people as much as possible. Even though my counts are normal, my new immune system is still relatively immature, so testing by getting sick now is something I want to avoid.
I'm still exhausted and get tired out extremely easily. I also still have no hair, although it feels like my scalp has sprouted a little peach fuzz. My nausea has pretty much passed, although from time to time I get little bouts of it, but they usually go away with a dose of Zofran.
Food still doesn't taste very good. Everything tastes very little like is should, although I have found that spicier or stronger flavored foods, like Mexican food or zesty Italian dishes, do taste quite a bit better. Bland foods or basic foods don't taste like much of anything. They say this will last several months, but my tastes will get back to normal eventually.
Hope is a wonderful distraction for me. She goes on about her life as if nothing happened. She's more interested in crawling over to the couch or coffee table and pulling herself up to standing. Then she likes to laugh about it. And jump. She loves to jump. Once she's standing up, she like bouncing up and down. She's just about worn her bouncy seat out because she jumps so much. Needless to say, chasing my little darling around for much more than an hour exhausts me, although it is ALOT of fun.
Honore is doing very well. She's getting used to the idea of me being home again and starting to do more around the house to help out. Although the hairless thing still kinda creeps her out. Its nice to be home again and getting to spend time with Honore and Hope.
Mom and Dad returned to Tucson last weekend. They were wonderful to have here, but I know they were pretty damn excited to be home again. Being here for three months was difficult, although I know there's nowhere else they wanted to be. I'm glad I'm doing well enough for them to return home, it kinda signals life slowly getting back to normal. And I like that.
I see the doctor again next week, although I expect it will be much of the same. You're doing great, keep up the good work. I like those kind of doctor's appointments.
What a long, strange trip this has been. I've been watching the leaves begin to turn and can't get over that summer's over. I feel like I didn't even get a summer. However, I'm glad things went so well and that we are coming to the end of this road. I look forward to getting my life back.
TTFN, T
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